Believe

We hear this word a lot this time of year. Often it is used in the context of Santa, the magic of Christmas, or maybe even that you can afford to pay your credit card bill….

But this season is also about something else. Jesus. I’ve been in a study on the book of John and noticed this - He asks several times, Do you believe? (John 9:35, John 11:26, John 16:31)

What does He want me to believe?

That He is who He says He is – God, life, the light in our darkness, the one who loves us, heals us, and walks alongside us every minute…. and maybe that He is really what we are longing for.

I think He would also ask ~ Do you believe…

That the blessings in your life came from Me because I love you that much?
That I will help you with that problem you are facing?
That I chose the name Immanuel because I want you to remember I’m always with you, and I will never hurt you, betray you or abandon you?
That you are enough, beautiful, forgiven, and I call you my Beloved child?

One of the last things Jesus said to His disciples before He left to endure the crucifixion on behalf of us all was this, and I believe He says it to us today just as much ~

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God. Believe also in Me. ~ John 14:1

There it is. The secret to peace. The key to joy. The comfort in the midst of hurtful, fearful circumstances swirling around us. The hope that it’s going to be okay, and we are not alone.

Do you believe?

I so hope you will. And if you’re not there yet, you are too deep in the struggle - contact me. I would love to listen and support you.

Do you secretly dread the holidays?

Fall can mean tart, crunchy apples, cool, invigorating weather, festive community events, and spicy pumpkin pie with loads of whipped cream. The upcoming Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays also typically include family gatherings with all the joys and reconnecting, and yet…. maybe does yours feel more like walking into a war zone with relational land mines rigged to explode at the first wrong move? Or an endless power struggle between siblings for the status of favorite? Or is your family gathering a painful reminder that you feel like you never have measured up to everyone’s expectations (or that they haven’t fulfilled yours)?

Our family can provide us with the deepest sense of security, love and acceptance and be a safe haven in an often harsh world. But unfortunately, those closest to us also can hurt us the most, can’t they? Critical words from family can slice your identity into little shreds. In the Fall when you see others gaily greeting everyone with, “Happy Holidays,” do you silently feel a wave of dread or regret when you think of what is to come with your own family interactions?

Sometimes divorce forces children into a tug-of-war scenario of being pulled by two opposing sides of their family, striving valiantly to give equal presence and attention to both sides, and yet wondering about these two halves that make up who they are. Or if you are one of the divorced parents you probably have to spend some (or all) of a holiday without your children if it is their other parent’s turn to have them.

Thanksgiving and Christmas also can become anguished reminders of our loved ones who have died and now leave a gaping hole in our hearts and family dynamics. Familiar traditions can feel hollow and sad without their presence.

We all are created and programmed to absorb our earliest sense of self from the care and treatment we receive from our parents, siblings and caregivers. If your needs were met as a child and you were given loving attention, acceptance and encouragement as you grew and developed, an inner sense of your own value and worthiness was able to naturally well up within you. On the other hand, if you were neglected, abused, criticized or shamed, your inner self feels you are not worthy of love and you may find that it is difficult to trust relationships in adulthood.

So what do we do?

Are we doomed forever if we didn’t have a nurturing childhood or if there is strife and dysfunction among our family members now?

How can we move from dreading these difficult family times to surviving them with inner peace, strength and grace…. maybe even overcoming our past or present struggles and rediscovering joy and a sense of fulfillment?

Keys to Remember ~

Our truest identity comes from our Creator who loves, forgives and accepts us, no matter how others treated us in the past or behave currently.

Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. ~ Deuteronomy 33:12

We are never alone to face fearful, painful, lonely situations – Jesus’ name, Immanuel, means “God with us.”

I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’ ~ Isaiah 41:13

God promises to help us when we pray and ask Him to be involved when there is a relationship fight or cut-off situation; a period of grief or loneliness.

Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh, is anything too difficult for Me? ~ Jeremiah 32:27

We actually can view our family gathering as a chance to reach out in kindness and encouragement to our family members rather than focusing on how they are going to treat us and meet our needs. Start a conversation with a question like, “What’s been going on with you?” or “What is something fun that you’ve done lately?” You can try reconnecting with a happy memory you shared together by playing the game, “Remember the time we…..?”

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ~ Ephesians 4:29

Try the “90-10 Solution.” Sometimes there has been hurt in a relationship and you relive that pain whenever you have to be around that person. Consider this – even if you feel he or she caused 90% of the issue, you can initiate reconciliation by offering an apology for your 10% and see if that opens a dialogue for forgiveness.

Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ~ Colossians 3:13

Forgiveness is a process, reconciliation is not always the end result, but coming to a point of forgiveness in your own heart and mind frees you from carrying the heavy burden of bitterness and anger. And really, when we think of all God has forgiven and is still forgiving us, it feels more possible to allow Him to help us offer the same gift to others.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32

Embrace the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer ~

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

We can’t rewind the past and have a do-over, we can’t make others change, but we absolutely can change our own attitude and actions – with God’s grace.

The idea of focusing on thankfulness is absolutely transforming, rather than just a boring tradition, once we really let that be our mindset. Get a journal and start counting everything you can think of that you are thankful for…..and then write more in it every day – challenge yourself to see how many you can count. Invite your family to get involved at the Thanksgiving gathering by giving everyone several strips of paper, ask them to write something they are thankful for on each one, then gather the folded-up strips into a big bowl. As you all are enjoying the pumpkin pie, pass the bowl around, each pick out several strips, then take turns reading each thankful message aloud one by one. This will spread an atmosphere of gratitude and appreciation.

I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds. ~ Psalm 9:1

Turn your attention outward if you are faced with being alone on Thanksgiving or Christmas by volunteering to help a family in need, serve at a soup kitchen, or even invite some others over whose holiday might also have been lonely. The holidays also are a perfect time to attend uplifting and heart-warming community events and church services – invite someone and enjoy some together.

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for Me.’ ~ Matthew 25:40

Honor the memory of a beloved family member whom you and your family members are missing and grieving by letting everyone share their favorite stories as a way to still include that person in your gathering.

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. ~ Matthew 5:8

Fill your emotional cup with God’s love by prayer and meditating on Scripture so you will be able to spill out to others and can attend gatherings or reach out to others with an inner peace and identity of worthiness and acceptance from God.

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. ~ Ephesians 3:17-19

So do you dread the holidays? Or feel fear about anything coming up? Hopefully some of these suggestions have given you encouragement and hope, and even some practical ideas to try. But I also invite you to come see me. Counseling is a very powerful and effective tool to help you navigate anything you are struggling with.

Please do contact me and I will walk alongside you and we will get through it together.